I grew up in an era when you had to ensure the pilot light was lit before turning on the oven or stove. Since then, there have been two hard-and-fast rules for working in the kitchen. First, you never leave the stove unattended; second, you turn pot handles inward so you do not risk catching them and upsetting whatever is hot onto your body.

So, why does my new oven need to be connected to the Internet?

The oven is not a new invention. It cooks food at a constant temperature for as long as it is in the box. To ensure that food does not overcook, you set a kitchen timer. Depending on your kitchen, this might be the timer on the stove or, like in mine, where several items are often on the go, a multi-timer that allows for variations.

Seriously, why does it need to be connected to the Internet? To get software updates?
For twenty years, I had a set of double ovens. They never needed software updates. They got hot when I asked them to and cooled off when I turned them off.

So why do I need something that can burn my house down connected to the Internet?
For convenience (or so I am told). Convenience? It’s a hardship to walk six to eight steps across the kitchen (most kitchens are not much larger unless you have a freaking big house), push bake (or broil), and set the temperature you want the oven to be at? I need to do this from an app on my phone because we have all gotten so lazy that we cannot do things without our phones.

Why do any of our appliances need to be connected to the Internet?

It’s not like they are creating new elliptical cryptographic keys or hacking the Kremlin. They are purpose-built. My oven does not also wash my dishes. My washing machine does not bake bread. Why do I need a text message telling me my laundry is done? That’s what the annoying bing is for and why most people turn it off.

Why do I have to connect my oven to the Internet?

In case it needs maintenance. Let me clue you in on something. The more software you install on a device, the more maintenance it will require. So that’s the first fail. The second failure, if you have not had an appliance serviced recently, is that the guy you called last time (and it is always a guy - sorry ladies, I know you are out there, but I have not met you) has gone out of business. So, who exactly is the appliance reaching out to?

Just because you can do something does not mean you should. This rush to make every device Internet-enabled is neither healthy nor safe.

The most annoying part is that you cannot bypass it. Oh, you can once or twice, but then it locks and says, “No, you cannot cook anything until I can talk to the Internet.” To me, that is the biggest failure of all.